When Meditation Doesn’t Work For Me

This might be sacrilege in Buddhist circles, but—yes, meditation doesn’t always work for me.

I spent years observing my many stressful thoughts. I did quite a few Vipassana meditation retreats. I watched and watched, breathed and breathed. And I was disconcerted to see those very thoughts continuing to dictate so much of my life and behavior.

What the heck? I thought. Am I doing this wrong? Why isn’t observation enough to dissolve all this? Maybe I just need to give it more time. So I watched some more, breathed some more, and sat some more. But the actions tied to those thought patterns didn’t shift much.

A modernized version of Rembrandt’s The Philosopher in Meditation, 1632

I didn’t understand why for years. In the meantime, I tried all sorts of different tactics. I developed a spiritual ego to “police” the “bad” thoughts. I tried 18 million different alternative therapies. I willed myself to just “be present.” I sat with my emotions and tried to “feel them all the way” (they still came back). I repressed my stressful thoughts and told myself I wasn’t. I posted reminders to just “be here now” on my bathroom mirror. And so on.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was ripe for a turning point.

I was suffering. I was desperate. And—most importantly—I was open.

When the answer came, it was simple and self-evident: These thoughts continue to dictate your life because you believe them. You are identified.

Oh, I said. Really? Huh, well… that makes sense. How do I stop believing something I believe?

Great question! You can’t.

What do you mean, I can’t? (If you can imagine my voice horrified while saying that, you’re on point.)

How does belief work? You believe something because you think it’s true. Are you 100% sure these thoughts are true?

That floored me. Yes…? was my first response.

But as I started to work methodically through my stressful thoughts using this method—known as The Work of Byron Katie—I found that in many cases, I had never even checked in with myself on a lot of this stuff.

Or I believed it because my parents or society said it was true.

Or I believed it because I started believing it when I was five years old.

Or I believed it because my mind played convincing movies from the past or the future, and I confused those movies for reality.

Or I had simply never stopped to look at the thought carefully, deconstruct it, and say: Hey, is this really true?

Doing so completely transformed my life.

A modernized version of Monk Meditating near a Ruin, by Frederik Marinus Kruseman, 1862

The Method of Byron Katie may not be for everyone, but it was profoundly helpful for me.

At first glance, it can seem overly mental—after all, you literally fill out a worksheet. But actually doing the method is very different from just filling out a form.

Every time, it moves me on all levels—mental, emotional, spiritual—and facilitates integration, which is another word for healing.

The method teaches you how to question your thoughts. In doing so, I started to see real, concrete changes in my life. Frankly, that’s what convinced me it was worth my time. Behaviors shifted. Reactions melted away.

Not overnight, and not easily—there’s a reason Byron Katie calls it “the Work”—but it gave me the result I was looking for: freedom to start living from a place of clarity instead of confusion.

Meditation by Jozef Israëls, 1896

Meditation helps me connect with who I really am underneath all the noise. The Byron Katie method helps me untangle myself from the thoughts and beliefs that kept me from living that truth.

So pivotal was this method for me that I composed music that takes listeners through the process on a felt level. I just released this song, which is called—appropriately—Know Thyself. You can listen to it here or on the homepage.

You’ll notice that certain melodies appear and repeat themselves in the song. These are Byron Katie’s “hinges” of identification. According to her, stressful situations can be traced back to believing core thoughts about what’s happening—these core thoughts repeat over and over again.

They will feel familiar: happiness, desires, needs, etc. It’s a fascinating framework, and I invite you to test it against a stressful situation in your life.

“The Work,” as it’s known, involves identifying stressful thoughts and then asking the following questions for each one:

1. Is it true?

2. Do I have absolute certainty it’s true?

3. How do I react—what happens—when I believe that thought?

4. Who would I be without this thought?

You then take the original thought and turn it around. Like a knot in your upper back, thought patterns can get congested and “stuck” in one polarity. The practice of turning a thought around is like massaging out the knot—inviting the mind to return to a balanced state.

Well reader, there you have it. Meditation doesn’t always work for me when I’m believing my stressful thoughts. I still meditate regularly—"filing away" whatever stressful thought or situation arises during practice to return to later with The Work. For me, it's not about meditation vs. the Work. The combination of the two is where it's at.

Would you be interested in a deeper dive into how to actually do this method? I’d be happy to write a follow-up. I also facilitate this process one-on-one, so if you’d like to work through something together, feel free to reach out.

I await your comments! Until then, keep kind with yourselves and live the wonder.